She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
