If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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