mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
