Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
