so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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