you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
