Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
