Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize