i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
