My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
