everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
