cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize