I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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