So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
