listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
