Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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