She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
