im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She said her name was "party"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
