Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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