dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
