I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
