Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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