Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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