Apparently you make a good broom.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
