You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You dont lie about slip and slides
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
