Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
