my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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