Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The beers last night were like the tears from god
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
