This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
