The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
