Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
