I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
