I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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