i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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