On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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