I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
operation have a gay friend backfired
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
