I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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