i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
