the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize