i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
