Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize