What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
