Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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