I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
