I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
