If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize