put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
