I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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