If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize