Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My ass is underappreciated
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize