please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
