That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
