he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
