everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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