Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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