Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
