What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
