I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
